hard conversations

I grew up in a family that does not do conflict. We will do everything in our collective power to avoid hard conversations. As such, I didn’t really learn how to engage in conflict in a healthy way until I was much older. Now, although I can have hard conversations, I still don’t love them. Hard conversations are, well, hard. Hard conversations often bring up a lot of vulnerability, a lot of wounds, and a lot of fear. Hard conversations may bring up memories of old conflicts that did not end well or may be entirely unfamiliar because you have avoided them most of your life. Hard conversations may bring up fears of rejection or abuse. However, hard conversations and conflict are necessary to engage in an authentic community; and we have a good model of how to have these in a healthy way in Jesus.

First, the best time to have a hard conversation is sooner rather than later. Matthew recounts Jesus’ thoughts on this in his Gospel: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary…do it while you are still together on the way” (Matt 5:25). The longer we allow a conflict to fester, the more time we allow our feelings to grow, and what may have begun as a simple disagreement has the potential to grow out of proportion. When a disagreement has first occurred, you may still be “together on the way” with that person, meaning there is still a relationship to salvage. Allowing time to pass and feelings to grow build a chasm in the relationship that becomes much more difficult to cross. 
Second, identify your responsibility within the disagreement before pointing out the fault of your adversary. Again, in Matthew, Jesus says, “How can you say to your sibling, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:4). Take some time to analyze the situation from all sides and identify how you have contributed to the disagreement. Lead with ownership of your own mistakes followed by how the other person’s actions/words have impacted you. The simple formula for this is, “I apologize for my part in this disagreement, which is _________. I felt _______ when you did/said ________. I would like to resolve this, and I commit to ___________. I need ________ from you.” Then, provide the same opportunity for the other person to do the same by truly listening. 
Finally, commit to reconciliation. The goal of any disagreement should be the preservation of the relationship, not to prove who is “right.” As you move through the disagreement, focus on what is needed to resolve the issue in order to move forward in relationship. This often means setting aside our egos. In his Gospel, Luke recounts an argument among the disciples about who was greatest. Jesus steps in by bringing a child into their midst and saying, “It is the one who is least among you all who is the greatest” (Luke 9:46-48). Building and sustaining community has absolutely nothing to do with who “wins” an argument and everything to do with our willingness to set aside our selfishness and enter into brave spaces of hard conversations. 
There are two very important caveats to all of this. First, none of the above is relevant in cases of abuse. If someone is abusing you mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically, your safety is of utmost importance. Reconciliation in these instances is not healthy, and you should never feel that you must continue a relationship that is harmful to you. Second, there is not space in this blog to fully expound on having hard conversations in an effort to build authentic communities. Entire books have been written on this. However, use this as a starting point, knowing that there is always more to learn and ways to grow. 
At The Hearth, an aspect of our Mission is creating space within authentic community. I, as Worship Leader, will make mistakes because I am human. You will also make mistakes because you are human. Perfection is not an expectation of authentic community; acknowledgement of our imperfections and acceptance of others’ imperfections is. In our society today, there is a tendency towards leaving community instead of having hard conversations; but I would argue that this is a huge reason we have such a problem with loneliness. Abandoning the people and communities where we feel belonging perpetuates our own isolation. Although conflict is difficult and doesn’t feel good, it is a moment that passes and then strengthens relationships and communities. As Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.” Let’s do those hard things together.